Anyways..

Today I went into a budget supermarket. Myself and my associates selected a few choice items and made our way to the tills. After joining a modest queue we found ourselves waiting. After a short while we discovered the woman ahead of us in the queue had put her shopping through the till but her husband (with the cash to pay for it) hadn't made it into the shop yet. There then followed a protracted period of waiting whilst the cashier, 18 (age or IQ), decided what to do. Eventually she managed to cancel the woman's shopping and rangt through our purchases. During this time she apologised several times to the woman who could not pay, but barely looked at us and when she did it was with a scowl
We did nothing wrong. But still we get inferior service. Argh.

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This was not too offensive but then..
Week two:
The handwash we'd bought had vanished.
Not enough clean towels left and one bed had not got sheets changed again.
Bottle of shower cleaner left in shower.
Cloth used to clean bathroom sink left behind. Not on the side or in the sink, but in my colleagues wash bag.
Magazine removed from the bin, obviously read, the left on the chair in the kitchen.
She'd even had a poo in the toilet and not flushed it.

Fair play though, she did switch the table lamps off at the wall.

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2. Don’t replace the damp towels with fresh ones in the morning clean, just leave them on the window sill and open the window. That’ll dry them off quickly.

3. Ensure that showers are leaky and water can barely flow up the pipe to the shower head.

4. Have the water heaters on in the early morning only, so somebody wanting a bath at 9:30am has to boil the kettle five times to make the water acceptably warm.

5. Have bed bugs.

6. At breakfast have no staff serving, just a small amount of self service food. Then, leave a pot of tea on the hot counter for 2 hours. Mmmm, stewed.

Rather depressingly this is not a compilation of several hotels I’ve visited. It’s just one hotel. Roll on next week…..

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All I wanted is a sensible number of covered pillows. Is that too much to ask?

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Me: Where does electricity come from?

Girl 1: Wires.

Me: How does it get into the wires?

Girl 1: God.

Girl 2: What about Jesus?

Girl 1: Wasn't God Jesus' dad?

Girl 2: Yeah. What about the donkey?

Girl 1: Wasn't Jesus married to the donkey?

Girl 2: Yeah.

At this point I leave.......

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"OK, we’ve got a H&S problem

We were in a pub, casually taking part in a pub quiz, and we spotted a sign behind the bar offering a calendar for sale. It was the nude calendar of the University of Sheffield Politics Societies’ Netball Team. It led us to this thought:

We all love the Carbon Challenge and we all believe in the principles of the Carbon Challenge. So we’re going to start up a BP Carbon Challenge nude calendar 2009. We’ve already got the likes of Cathy, Nicos, Caron and Manish signed up (well, we thought they wouldn’t mind) and we’ve got some of the artistic shots lined up; Cathy holding a Enterprising Science banner, me with a Velcro board and Adrian with a Turning Point handset. Anyways, the question we have is – If we start shooting our calendar outside, is there a significant risk of sunburn? If so, can you recommend a cream or lotion we need to be using? Also, do you have any issues with us selling it in the schools we visit?

Here’s hoping you can help us raise pennies to save the planet we all love dearly.

Chris, Adrian & Cathy (although not so much Cathy as Chris & Adrian)"

Her response

"Having considered your e-mail and your concerns related to the risks involved in working in direct sunlight I have the following guidelines as a starting point.

1) Regularly check the weather reports to see if there is any sun what so ever planned – although it is unlikely, if there is, cancel all shooting.

2) In conjunction with the design and wardrobe teams create a selection of costumes that cover the entire body whilst still keeping with the nude theme. It is not my area of expertise but I would suggest perhaps something in a flesh coloured lycra?

3) Any areas that are left exposed should be covered thoroughly with a suitable cream or indeed “off white” - I will need to check the appropriate regulations for specifics on this.

I think however there are some more important areas of risk that you have over looked. Consideration should be given to the long term effects that may result from such a delicate project. You are in contact with members of the public and indeed little children – exposure to your exposure could and more than likely would cause long lasting damage both physically and mentally.

I have to say after receiving your e-mail last night I feel I may be in need of a little help.

I have arranged an emergency meeting with key members of the team to discuss the best way to assess the risks involved and how to create a suitable and sufficient risk assessment and related training and policy documentation."

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Armenia is NOT in Europe
Azerbaijan is also NOT in Europe

How did these countries get classed as European? Does the man in charge or UEFA not have a map? Is the boss of Eurovision on the take?
Hell, Israel only gets in because they daren't go to most of the rest of Asia.
Why not let Morocco in? They're nearer to Spain than Armenia.
I'm not saying they're bad countries, ran by inferior or corrupt governments or anything. Just that they're in ASIA.

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Me: I have a Health & Safety question.
This afternoon, whilst in the swimming pool, I saw a lane rope across the pool and wondered if I could limbo underneath. I couldn't and almost put my back out (and might have drowned). Is it possible for some aqualimbo training to be organised? I'd hate Adrian or Nicos to have an accident (or even a claim!)

H&S: As for Aqualimbo related hazards. I will obviously need to firstly check government regulations on Aqualimboing in a public place, then perform a full and thourough risk assessment for wich more details would be helpful. Any information you can provide on lane width, limbo style used, swimwear issues and indeed use of floatation devices will all help me to create a full and detailed picture of the issue, which I will then colour in and send back!

Me: OK, we've had a look at the pool. Are these measurements enough?

Depth 1.5m
Lane width 1.75m
Length 17m
Temp 20C

I used the traditional Aqualimbo style, whilst Adrian uses the more
unusual Nordic style.

Swimwear: Adrian wears a pair of swimming shorts that take garish to whole
new level. I wear a pair of revealing speedos. Would you like a photo to
help your risk assessment?

No unauthorised floating equipment will be used. We don't want to run the
risk of being banned by the governing body (International Federation of
Aqualimbo) and miss the Worlds in June.

We look forward to your reply.

H&S: Thanks for the info boys! I will process this and pass on to the relevent body which has incidentaly changed its name and is no longer the international federation of aqualimbo but now know as the Final Word Of Aqualimbo Regulations or FWOAR! for short! - I can for see know problems RE swim wear, I feel photos will not be needed as I now have a very clear yet not altogether welcome image in my mind - Thanks!!

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"Adrian and Nicos decided they were fed up with carrying me through the workshop so they wanted to solve my vocal problem. We ended up going into the exclusive spa in the leisure suite. There was loads of different rooms with steam, vapours and stuff. Because it was to help me regain my voice we decided it was a tour expense, so we're going to claim the £30 each it cost. Is that OK with you?"

Response

"Apologies for not getting back to you sooner but I’m not sure how I’ve missed this email.

To be really honest, we wouldn’t usually cover these expenses as they are not a direct tour expense and it’s quite a lot of money especially when we’ve already provided an expensive hotel. However on this occasion we will as a good will gesture but I need to keep things fair across the teams, so unfortunately couldn’t honour these costs in the future. Sorry for sounding so negative (but I’m really not) but it’s all about keeping things fair and square."

Not only did we not expect any money at all, but we snuck into the spa without paying. I assumed he'd assume we were having a laugh.

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I arrived, and after a very short period of time, it was obvious that there were no significant developments, and things that had changed were simple enough for me to have worked out on my own. Still, I sat there, listening, and left two and a half hours later.

This cost the company my time, travel to & from London and a hotel for the night.

I don't mind going to London much, but it can be annoying when you appear to have wasted your time.

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It's just every now and then, when I'm driving my van I get a little peeved. Some people percieve this as road rage. That's not the case, not at all. I don't get angry in queues of traffic. It's just when some people fail to stick to basic rules of the highway code, like using indicators to signal a change in direction, especially at roundabouts, I can get a bit tetchy. Choice phrases include words like 'chuff-monkey'. It's not road rage, it's idiot rage. Stupid or incompetant people on the road really get my goat
So people, think of my blood pressure and remember the rules of the road.

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Don't panic though, we're off to the right side of the Pennines next week.

On another topic, we staying in a nice hotel with a pool, gym and sauna. I went for a swim on my first evening. The pool was lit by some mood lighting which changed colour every few seconds. As I swam with my goggles on, doing an approximation of front crawl, I found it very hard to see and almost collided with other swimmers. Come on folks, who thinks, "Let's make a pool with lighting so poor that people will bump into each other"???

That being said, I'm off there again now........

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1. It was like the Shining. No really. One of my colleagues had to sleep with the bathroom light on for her first night.

2. My bedroom window was
a) frosted - like a bathroom window
b) had that wire running through it like at school.
c) was double glazed with two totally separate panes of glass
d) unable to be opened
e) didn't look outside, just onto a service staircase!

3. It had a lift with a sense of humour. Once I got on it at floor 5, on my way to the ground floor, it took me down to floor 1. Stopped, opened the doors, nobody got on. It then went back up to floor 6 to let more people on. Then it complained about being overloaded. Went back down to 5! Then it went to 2 then to G.

Delayed and insulted! By a freakin' lift.

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Last week I went to watch a football game. We won, everyone was happy. I went to the loo before the walk back to the car.

I'm casually having a wee when a small boy stands next to me at the urinal. He's carrying a bottle of pop, which he needs to put down so he can pee. He places it under the urinal (not the cleanest place!) but as he bends down he almost interrupts my stream with his head. I shuffle a bit away from him, but realise my wee is splashing back a bit. Onto the kids hair. He's totally unaware....

Parents: warn your children about the dangers of going under public urinals. It's your duty!!

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We managed without shopping on Boxing Day before. Are we now incapable of lasting two days without pissing our cash away? Bring back Christmas, put your wallets and purses away (at least until the 27th!)

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Last week a girl in the 2nd set in Y11 asked me "Why isn't water in the periodic table?"

That's the periodic table of the elements!!!!!

These people will be doing vital jobs in the not too distant future. Save us....

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Perhaps not the best business model to copy, but I'm sure it'll work out.

Later in the week we drove to a hotel in a small village 3/4 of a mile off the main road. As we turned towards the village I noticed a pub advertising 'home-cooked food'. I made a mental note of this.
We decided to go for our dinner and asked the woman in reception if we could walk it. Yes she said, it wasn't too far. She was talking of different pub though!! We strolled to the local pub and had a pint and had a quick scan of the menu, but seeing as we'd decided to visit the pub on the main road, we left. A much longer and darker walk than we had anticipated lead us to the holy grail. We entered and my 6th sense tingled. Well, actually, it was my second sense - smell. The smell of paint. After a chat the barman whilst ordering a pint we found out the pub had only opened about 3 hours earlier. So we drank our pint and walked back to the 1st pub we visited.

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I've just been to Sainsburys to buy some cheese for my supper. Cheddar with Port. Cheesarific!

Today's school was a girls' grammar school. One of the first things I noticed as we unpacked the van was there were boys wandering around. Now call me an old pedant if you like, but I thought the idea of a girls' school was that there were no boys. I found out that the boys were in the sixth form. This strikes me as a cunning strategy on behalf on the boys in question. "I'll go to a girls' school to do my A-levels. There'll be loads of desperate girls there for me to hit on!" This might not be true....but it's clever nonetheless. Especially when there is a boys' grammar school about 2 miles away!!

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1. A carbon cheeseprint is similar to a carbon footprint, being not the amount of carbon dioxide (or equivalent gases) released by a persons lifestyle but by the lifecycle of a piece of cheese.

2. It's called a cheeseprint not a footprint because the average piece of cheese has not got a foot or feet. Thus it can't leave a footprint. Duh!

3. A cheeseprint of a standard piece of hotel grade cheese could consist of the carbon dioxide given off by tankers driving the milk to the cheesery, the emissions given off at power stations used to generate the electricity to make the cheese and to chill the cheese in a refridgerator and so on....

4. The cheeseprint was born when I found cheese on offer in a Holiday Inn Express and liberated it from its confines of a small bowl. Thus I devised the whole cheeseprint concept and retain all rights on use of the term 'cheeseprint'. So no stealing my idea. I know who you are!!

I hope this helps, if not, feel free to leave me feedback. Or not, whatever makes your life easier.

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Also, when did a hot buffet breakfast buffet include just sausage, bacon, scrambled egg and elderly beans. Where are the tomatoes? And the fried bread? As compensation for a small cooked breakfast I stole loads of Alpen bars and a yoghurt. I shall have my rewenge

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On the upside, a fire in downtown Shrewsbury meant a possible cloud of asbestos looms over the town. The god of cheese works fast

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After arriving at my hotel I think "This is a bit out of the way". How right I was, after a obscure drive to the station to pick up a co-worker (which involved more one-way streets than you can shake a piece of cheese at) and discovering Shrewsbury Station doesn't appear to have parking for non-disabled people. Anyhoo.... There doesn't appear to be a single pub within 1.5 miles of the hotel, what about the poor alcoholics of outer Shrewsbury? What about me!!!!!!

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