Wheeldon on tour

OK, firstly, I'd like to apologise for not putting anything here for a while. I could blame it on all manner of things, but it's mainly due to my own slackness.

Anyways..

Today I went into a budget supermarket. Myself and my associates selected a few choice items and made our way to the tills. After joining a modest queue we found ourselves waiting. After a short while we discovered the woman ahead of us in the queue had put her shopping through the till but her husband (with the cash to pay for it) hadn't made it into the shop yet. There then followed a protracted period of waiting whilst the cashier, 18 (age or IQ), decided what to do. Eventually she managed to cancel the woman's shopping and rangt through our purchases. During this time she apologised several times to the woman who could not pay, but barely looked at us and when she did it was with a scowl
We did nothing wrong. But still we get inferior service. Argh.

Over the last three weeks we've been staying in a lovely apartment in a Scottish city. As part of the deal with the agency we get a cleaner every week.
Week one:
Sheets not changed on the bed. Carpet not hoovered.

This was not too offensive but then..
Week two:
The handwash we'd bought had vanished.
Not enough clean towels left and one bed had not got sheets changed again.
Bottle of shower cleaner left in shower.
Cloth used to clean bathroom sink left behind. Not on the side or in the sink, but in my colleagues wash bag.
Magazine removed from the bin, obviously read, the left on the chair in the kitchen.
She'd even had a poo in the toilet and not flushed it.

Fair play though, she did switch the table lamps off at the wall.

1. Serve UHT milk at breakfast. Not just for tea, but for putting on cereal.

2. Don’t replace the damp towels with fresh ones in the morning clean, just leave them on the window sill and open the window. That’ll dry them off quickly.

3. Ensure that showers are leaky and water can barely flow up the pipe to the shower head.

4. Have the water heaters on in the early morning only, so somebody wanting a bath at 9:30am has to boil the kettle five times to make the water acceptably warm.

5. Have bed bugs.

6. At breakfast have no staff serving, just a small amount of self service food. Then, leave a pot of tea on the hot counter for 2 hours. Mmmm, stewed.

Rather depressingly this is not a compilation of several hotels I’ve visited. It’s just one hotel. Roll on next week…..

The hotel I'm currently staying in has an unusual approach to night time head support. Just before I went to bed on Sunday I realised all 4 of my pillows had no pillowcases. So I went down to reception and asked for some. 'How many?' was the response. I asked for 4 and received 2. The next day, room service decided that rather than put pillowcases on the remaining pillows, they would jut take them away.

All I wanted is a sensible number of covered pillows. Is that too much to ask?

Whilst in a school in the South Yokshire area, I took part in a conversation so odd I had to write it down afterwards so I wouldn't forget it.
Transcript of a genuine conversation between me and two Y9 girls.

Me: Where does electricity come from?

Girl 1: Wires.

Me: How does it get into the wires?

Girl 1: God.

Girl 2: What about Jesus?

Girl 1: Wasn't God Jesus' dad?

Girl 2: Yeah. What about the donkey?

Girl 1: Wasn't Jesus married to the donkey?

Girl 2: Yeah.

At this point I leave.......

Once again here is an email I sent to our Health & Safety person in the office along with her response

"OK, we’ve got a H&S problem

We were in a pub, casually taking part in a pub quiz, and we spotted a sign behind the bar offering a calendar for sale. It was the nude calendar of the University of Sheffield Politics Societies’ Netball Team. It led us to this thought:

We all love the Carbon Challenge and we all believe in the principles of the Carbon Challenge. So we’re going to start up a BP Carbon Challenge nude calendar 2009. We’ve already got the likes of Cathy, Nicos, Caron and Manish signed up (well, we thought they wouldn’t mind) and we’ve got some of the artistic shots lined up; Cathy holding a Enterprising Science banner, me with a Velcro board and Adrian with a Turning Point handset. Anyways, the question we have is – If we start shooting our calendar outside, is there a significant risk of sunburn? If so, can you recommend a cream or lotion we need to be using? Also, do you have any issues with us selling it in the schools we visit?

Here’s hoping you can help us raise pennies to save the planet we all love dearly.

Chris, Adrian & Cathy (although not so much Cathy as Chris & Adrian)"

Her response

"Having considered your e-mail and your concerns related to the risks involved in working in direct sunlight I have the following guidelines as a starting point.

1) Regularly check the weather reports to see if there is any sun what so ever planned – although it is unlikely, if there is, cancel all shooting.

2) In conjunction with the design and wardrobe teams create a selection of costumes that cover the entire body whilst still keeping with the nude theme. It is not my area of expertise but I would suggest perhaps something in a flesh coloured lycra?

3) Any areas that are left exposed should be covered thoroughly with a suitable cream or indeed “off white” - I will need to check the appropriate regulations for specifics on this.

I think however there are some more important areas of risk that you have over looked. Consideration should be given to the long term effects that may result from such a delicate project. You are in contact with members of the public and indeed little children – exposure to your exposure could and more than likely would cause long lasting damage both physically and mentally.

I have to say after receiving your e-mail last night I feel I may be in need of a little help.

I have arranged an emergency meeting with key members of the team to discuss the best way to assess the risks involved and how to create a suitable and sufficient risk assessment and related training and policy documentation."

Relax, this is not going to be a lengthy diatribe about the rights and wrongs of the EU. It's going to be a medium-sized diatribe about where on the map Europe is. Now I did GCSE & A-level geography and whilst I'm no cartographer I can clearly remember where Europe ends and Asia starts. I want to be clear about this.

Armenia is NOT in Europe
Azerbaijan is also NOT in Europe

How did these countries get classed as European? Does the man in charge or UEFA not have a map? Is the boss of Eurovision on the take?
Hell, Israel only gets in because they daren't go to most of the rest of Asia.
Why not let Morocco in? They're nearer to Spain than Armenia.
I'm not saying they're bad countries, ran by inferior or corrupt governments or anything. Just that they're in ASIA.

Here's a set of emails between me and the Health and Safety officer in the office

Me: I have a Health & Safety question.
This afternoon, whilst in the swimming pool, I saw a lane rope across the pool and wondered if I could limbo underneath. I couldn't and almost put my back out (and might have drowned). Is it possible for some aqualimbo training to be organised? I'd hate Adrian or Nicos to have an accident (or even a claim!)

H&S: As for Aqualimbo related hazards. I will obviously need to firstly check government regulations on Aqualimboing in a public place, then perform a full and thourough risk assessment for wich more details would be helpful. Any information you can provide on lane width, limbo style used, swimwear issues and indeed use of floatation devices will all help me to create a full and detailed picture of the issue, which I will then colour in and send back!

Me: OK, we've had a look at the pool. Are these measurements enough?

Depth 1.5m
Lane width 1.75m
Length 17m
Temp 20C

I used the traditional Aqualimbo style, whilst Adrian uses the more
unusual Nordic style.

Swimwear: Adrian wears a pair of swimming shorts that take garish to whole
new level. I wear a pair of revealing speedos. Would you like a photo to
help your risk assessment?

No unauthorised floating equipment will be used. We don't want to run the
risk of being banned by the governing body (International Federation of
Aqualimbo) and miss the Worlds in June.

We look forward to your reply.

H&S: Thanks for the info boys! I will process this and pass on to the relevent body which has incidentaly changed its name and is no longer the international federation of aqualimbo but now know as the Final Word Of Aqualimbo Regulations or FWOAR! for short! - I can for see know problems RE swim wear, I feel photos will not be needed as I now have a very clear yet not altogether welcome image in my mind - Thanks!!

Here is a set emails between me and a guy who works in the office. Just to put it into context. I'd had a bad cold and throat and could barely speak. This makes my job of talking to large groups of kids awkward!! Also, the others on the tour have to work harder to cover for me. We were staying in a posh hotel with a PGA golf course and leisure wing (pool, gym etc)

"Adrian and Nicos decided they were fed up with carrying me through the workshop so they wanted to solve my vocal problem. We ended up going into the exclusive spa in the leisure suite. There was loads of different rooms with steam, vapours and stuff. Because it was to help me regain my voice we decided it was a tour expense, so we're going to claim the £30 each it cost. Is that OK with you?"

Response

"Apologies for not getting back to you sooner but I’m not sure how I’ve missed this email.

To be really honest, we wouldn’t usually cover these expenses as they are not a direct tour expense and it’s quite a lot of money especially when we’ve already provided an expensive hotel. However on this occasion we will as a good will gesture but I need to keep things fair across the teams, so unfortunately couldn’t honour these costs in the future. Sorry for sounding so negative (but I’m really not) but it’s all about keeping things fair and square."

Not only did we not expect any money at all, but we snuck into the spa without paying. I assumed he'd assume we were having a laugh.

About a month ago my boss rang me and asked me to come down to London for a meeting with a guy from a company whose software we use. They were going to show me the new features of the software and make sure I knew how to use it, as well as answers any questions I had about it.

I arrived, and after a very short period of time, it was obvious that there were no significant developments, and things that had changed were simple enough for me to have worked out on my own. Still, I sat there, listening, and left two and a half hours later.

This cost the company my time, travel to & from London and a hotel for the night.

I don't mind going to London much, but it can be annoying when you appear to have wasted your time.